It's all good to "wait on God" but sometimes while you're waiting on God to "move", he's waiting on you to do the same. Take a step in faith.

Genuinely Caring about something often gets misread as Concern. I promise you, there is a HUGE difference. Please don't assume that one is Concerned when they simply have the human decency to Care. I swear, that the value of friendships nowadays is plummeting quickly because people lack Care. & being the person that I am, I simply can't get with it.

I cannot and probably will not ever fully understand those individuals who go about life as either an emotionless robot or as self-centered. But, I do understand however, that complaining about people like this will not stop me or anyone else from encountering, or even forming bonds with individuals like them. Unfortunate, but that’s life. The entire world could stop caring for one another but it’s my responsibility to be who I am. And that means that I will continue to love and care for all people in my life – distant, close or on bad terms. If they, so separated from the idea of caring about a friendship or another person other than themselves, incorrectly interpret my CARE as CONCERN, then that honestly, truly is FINE.

Genuine people are hard to come by, so when you do meet them, hold on to them.

& don’t be discouraged by those who are not… their lack of care should never effect YOU and who you are as a person. Smile, pray for them & let it go.

Another Year, Another Lesson...

( I know I’m a little late but I’m finally getting some down time to actually put this post up. Better late than never. J )

In 2010, I learned a lot about myself, more so than I have in any other year. I can honestly say that I do not have any regrets nor any ill feelings when I look back onto my year. Every trying situation was a learning experience, every misguided decision translated to gained insight. I learned how to be more independent, thinking for myself even if others do not get me or understand me and being confident in that. I learned what is best for me in many different areas of life. I’ve also learned what to tolerate and what not to tolerate in those same areas. I’m walking away with much knowledge and simple realizations about myself which I either learned this year, or had reiterated to the point that they became a genuine reality to me. I thought that I would share some. Enjoy.

01 :: Do not ever rationalize people’s actions. Never waste your time picking your brain with questions like: “Why in the world would they do something like that?” or statements like: “I really just don’t understand how they could act like that!” Majority of the time, you and that individual are simply not at the same level of thinking nor on the same maturity level. Therefore, rationalizing their actions from your point of view is pointless.

02 :: No one knows what you are thinking unless you actually speak up and express what’s on your mind. You can’t expect people to read our minds, no matter how obvious the matter may seem.

03 :: If someone must constantly tell you: “I’ve changed! I really have!” or even plead for you to believe that they have, chances are… they probably haven’t.

04 :: Although words speak volumes on their own, actions speak a million and one times louder. People literally will tell you anything. People will do all they can tell you what you want to hear. People talk just to hear themselves talk sometimes. Rule of Thumb: Talk with no action is a problem.

05 :: Your friends don’t always need to know everything. Sometimes you need to work things out on your own; just you and God.

06 :: You can have whatever you say as long as you believe you receive it when you speak it (Mark 11:24)… And as long as it does not contradict God’s Word or his Will. Sometimes we forget that piece.

07 :: You never truly know people the way that you think you do & for that reason, it’s not wise to put your confidence in people. That doesn’t mean that you have to be suspicious of everyone, it simply means… be aware.

08 :: Twitter ruins my perception of so many people. If your Twitter façade makes people question your character, authenticity, or integrity… that’s an issue.

09 :: Twitter has the potential to be the death to modern relationships. Twitter is a set-up for even the most secure relationships. I pray to God, that the next guy that I am genuinely involved with is either:
A. Not on Twitter at all
B. Not obsessed with Twitter (If you tweet more than 50 tweets a day, you’re obsessed in my books!)

010 :: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me Three times, then I seriously need to get myself together.

011 ::Red flags wave at us for a reason & your gut-feeling is 99.9997% accurate. We always ignore it yet in hindsight we always say, “Dang. Something told me *insert what you ignored here*”. Listen to your instincts.

012 :: In your relationship with God, if you always make decisions based on how you feel, you will not get very far. Your spirit man is the one who is righteous, not your flesh. Your flesh will FEEL completely opposite of what your spirit man wants a lot of the time. Obey God, don't be influenced by how you feel!

013 :: If he looks like a Snake, moves like a Snake and talks like a Snake, he’s probably a Snake.

014 :: If he looks like a lion, moves like a lion and talks like a lion, chances are… he might just be a Snake.

015 :: If you have to question whether you are “in love” or if you are just “infatuated”, you’re probably not in love. But, that’s just my opinion… what would I know? lol

016 :: Happiness is a choice.

017 :: Building my relationship with God provides me with a sense of peace, joy and security that I cannot get from anywhere else.

018 :: Despite being confident in myself as a person, I still have a tendency to underestimate myself. Not that I ever think that I am incapable of doing something, I tend to do something, see the amazing results, then find myself surprised at my ability.

019 :: Never regret any experience that once brought a smile to you face. Even if that experience changed for the worse, you gained insight and you grew in ways that never would have been possible if you didn’t experience it. Thank God for those experiences. All things work together for good… (Romans 8:28)

020 :: “Let’s just be friends” never really means that. Translation: “We’ll say we are cordial but ignore each other’s existence”

021 :: One of the worst feelings is looking at someone that you thought you knew well and not being able to recognize them anymore.

022 :: Sometimes we hear scriptures so many times that their meaning completely goes over our heads. It’s amazing that when you pray and ask for revelation, even the most cliché scripture can be deeply moving.

023 :: Don’t ever make excuses for why someone mistreated you.

024 :: “Caring what other people think is a person’s biggest limitation.” - Brittany

025 :: Compromising can be totally unintentional. Intentional or unintentional, compromising your desires, beliefs, etc simply shows that there is a lack of trust in God. You end up conforming your thinking to that of the world, therefore you begin expecting that of the world. We stop trusting God enough to allow him to prove that his Word is true – that he will provide us with things that exceed even our greatest expectations (Ephesians 3:20). We can’t go by what seems to be a reality around us in the world, that’s not faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). & without faith, God cannot move his hand.

026 :: There is a little truth in every lie.

027 :: Distractions come in beautifully wrapped packages. & contained within those packages are usually things that we truly desire… which is how they reel us in. But once you dig to a little deeper into the package, you’ll discover much of what you do NOT what. & usually, by the time that you’re that deep into that package, it’s far too late. Don’t be deceived from the beginning. Consult Holy Spirit before opening any unfamiliar packages ;-)

028 :: “We should stop having such passionate opinions about things that we have no responsibility for” – Joyce Meyer. I have a bad tendency to get annoyed by the things that other people do, yet they’re not my responsibility. No matter how much I’d like to see someone do better, I need to understand that it’s not always my responsibility to get involved.

029 :: Wearing your heart on your sleeve is not bad in and of itself, wearing your heart on your sleeve too soon for someone who wouldn’t be willing to do the same for you is when problems begin to arise.

030 :: When someone shows you their true colors, believe them.

031 :: You’ve got to know who YOU are first before trying to be in a relationship with someone. Think about it. They’re trying to get to know YOU, so if YOU don’t even know YOU … who are they really getting to know?

032 :: If you ever feel like you are walking on eggshells or that you’re compromising your happiness to please someone else, run the other way.

033 :: Everyone is not as put together as they seem.

034 :: People oftentimes use “logic” simply to justify their actions and discredit others in a very illogical manner. If someone doesn’t want to be wrong in their situation, they’ll find a way to make their decisions or opinions seem logical in order to make them “right” and you “wrong”. It’s simple… doesn’t mean that what they’re saying is logical. “Logic” is relative.

035 :: It’s not my responsibility to help everyone, but it is my responsibility to love everyone.

036 :: Currently, my biggest challenge when it comes to my lifestyle is loving others. Jesus commands us to love all people… yes, everyone. This includes the people that we do not like or the ones who talk about us or those ones who get on our LAST nerves. Anyone can love those who love them… Jesus said, what reward is there in that? But loving those who you do not like!? Man. That really is my biggest challenge. In my mind, if I don’t like you – you don’t exist to me. But, I know that is not the love of God.

037 :: You reap what you sow. What goes around comes around. Karma. Whatever you would like to call it… it’s true. Test it and see, lol. Often, people think about this in terms of negative consequences but it works both ways.

038 :: A great way to exercise love for those who it is hard to love, is to pray for them.

039 :: God speaks to me the most through writing, dreams and visions.

040 :: Whatever you focus the most attention to in your daily life, is what becomes magnified in your thinking. Choose wisely.

041 :: “Sometimes we expect more from others simply because we would be willing to do that much for them.”

042 :: The value of friendships and relationships is slowly dwindling as the years progress.

043 :: Probates are more like “going-away” celebrations. But hey, if your friendship changes simply because they went greek, they were never your friend to begin with. Accept that.

044 :: I give people more chances than they usually deserve.

045 :: Keeping your heart guarded in a relationship is safe place to be but it is not a happy place to be.

046 :: Just because you are a genuine person does not mean that everyone operates with that same decency.

047 :: Sometimes it’s hard to accept that some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season… but it’s a reality. Once I learned to accept that & learned to appreciate what each person brought to my life while they were in it – it makes life so much more simple.

048 :: Jesus referred to Holy Spirit as the “Helper” and “Friend” for a reason. Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth when you give him the liberty to. The good thing about this Friend is that he was sent to earth by God himself and he will never lead you in any direction but in the one that keeps you in the will of God.

049 :: Nothing that is worthwhile in this life is effortless.

050 :: Being in the will of God is the only place I ever want to be, everywhere else is simply mediocre.

Goodbye 2010 & thanks for all you had to offer me. Hello 2011, I’m looking forward to all you have in store for me. This Year will be my best year yet. 2010 was about insight… 2011 is about action. Watch out for me J

DISTRACTIONS USUALLY COME IN beautifully WRAPPED PACKAGES -

undeniably appealing, pleasurable and desirable. They always, always, always contain a

little, or even a lot of things that we truly desire. Distractions have to have something to catch your eyes and keep your attention, otherwise, that would defeat it's purpose: to distract. However, once ripping off the beautiful wrapping, sparkling bows and ribbons -- we then beginning digging deeper into the package only to discover that beneath the surface, there is much of what we do NOT want and things that we surely did not expect to find contained within. Unfortunately, by the time that we're that deep into the package, it's far too late to back out without there being some type of consequence or effect on our lives.

Do not be deceived from the beginning. Everything that looks good, feels good, smells good, etc is not always what's best for us. Just as God places amazing opportunities and blessing before us, Satan is waiting to place seemingly amazing opportunities in your path as well. His job is to deceive you and get you distracted from the things that God has for you. Jesus referred to Holy Spirit as our "guide", our "helper" and our "friend" for a reason yet we often underestimate this (or maybe we just don't know!). The great thing about it is that the bible says that Holy Spirit will guide us into all truth (John 16:13) if we give him the liberty to and the even more amazing thing is that before Jesus left Earth, he explained that Holy Spirit was sent to Earth by God himself with this sole purpose to help US. Yes, you and I. Whenever we are unsure about anything, as in a new, beautifully wrapped package placed before us, we can consult him and he will guide us in our decision-making if we allow him to.

"When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you what is yet to come."
John 16:13

He will speak what he has heard. Where does he "hear" from? From God himself. The God who promises many times over in the Word that he will take care of us. The God who said, "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) If Holy Spirit is hearing from the God that holds our future in our hands, it is important that we trust God enough to put ourselves in the position to hear from him, consult him and acknowledge him in all of our endeavors. There is nothing wrong with asking for guidance and God is more than willing to provide you with it.

LET’S LEARN TO CONSULT HOLY SPIRIT BEFORE OPENING ANY UNFAMILIAR PACKAGES.

growth.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

If God said it...

SOMETIMES WHEN THINGS HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES – WE JUST know THAT IT WAS GOD.

Certain things that happen in life are just far too perfect to be labeled an every day coincidence. We've all encountered those situations, opportunities, or maybe even those run-ins with people who make you smile up to heaven & thank God for being so doggone awesome. You begin thanking him for blessing you with the opportunity. You thank him for always being on time -- always knowing what's best for you. Thank you Lord, thank you, thank you.

Right? Undoubtedly, everyone has experienced something like this in their lifetime. I know I have. Many times. In light of this, I've just been pondering lately: if I am blessed with an opportunity in which I was positive that God placed before me... then what exactly does it mean if nothing actually comes of it? Serious question. The Bible says that God cannot lie, right?

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"

Numbers 23:19

Right.

"The Lord giveth & he taketh like an Indian-giver" - J. Cole

Catchy line J. Cole, but I refuse to believe that.

So, what exactly does it mean? Does it mean that I was maybe prematurely giving thanks to God for something that he never intended for me? Like, did I just miss God completely? Or maybe did I do something to potentially "mess up" the opportunity or situation? Or maybe, if the opportunity I was grateful for was actually another human being, did they possibly something mess up something that God intended? Who really knows?

I hear so many people say, "Why care? If something is meant to happen then it will happen!" or "Girl please, if it doesn't work out then it was never meant to be." I've said these things plenty of times myself but I'm not sure if I actually can agree 100%. Well, I know that I can't agree 100%. Why? Because we are not puppets. God is not in control of our every move and decision.

*gasp* What did she just say?

I'll say it again, God is NOT in control. Anyone who knows me, knows that I cannot stand religious cliches and a popular one that we have all heard is: "God is in control." I understand what is meant here and I would never downplay God's might, ability, power, dominion & overall omnipotence. However, I will not be foolish in thinking that I can sit back in life and coast -- putting no effort in because "God has the steering wheel & I'm just in the passenger seat" (Another cliche that I hate). God is not some tyrant ruling from Heaven, dictating our every move and every decision that we make. He places people, opportunities and situations in our path & then gives us something to decide what we do with them. It's a little thing called: free will. WE choose what path we decide to go down. WE make our own decisions. Whether they line up with what God intended is another story. Making good decisions comes along with knowing God's voice & knowing how to listen to Holy Spirit. & not only listening but allowing yourself to trust & be guided by God. God will gladly be the HEAD of your life, helping to guide your steps...but only if you ALLOW him to. If you have faith in God, then you must ACT like it by giving him that control -- he will never just TAKE it.

Sorry, tangent -- but on that note, God can place an opportunity right in front of our faces -- but if we choose to ignore it & not take the initiative to explore it then we can very well be missing out on something that was "meant to be". So when I see something that I previously spent many days thanking God for just completely dissipate into seemingly nothing -- I can't help but to wonder what the cause was. Surely, it wasn't God's "fault", so what wen't wrong? Was it me? Was it outside influences? If it was another person, was it them? Was it never really meant to be to begin with? Sometimes its good to remember that just as God can place people, situations and opportunities in your life -- so can Satan. And we all know that he will do what he can to get you off course.

So, who knows? There is no real conclusion to this post. No scriptures backing up what I'm saying. No "answer" -- not sure if I was really seeking one or if I was just writing. But, it's my blog. I can do what I want ;-) This was just some food for thought...

Goodnight!

tears.

Nothing worthwhile is effortless.

point blank period.

Insecurities within the realm of relationships are the cause of many potentially good relationships going sour. Someone tweeted this week that women need to stop confusing their personal insecurities with infamous "woman's intuition". I do agree. There is a fine line between the two and you can only truly differentiate between them when you truly know yourself.

I'm not really here to write on the actual topic of insecurities in relationships but I just had some things on my mind regarding the topic. And on that note -- yes, many people come into relationships with baggage from their past which translate into debilitating insecurities that subsequently affect their current relationship's progression. But that does not mean that every suspicion or "gut feeling" is an insecurity. If your significant other is bothered by something and they express that concern to you, I think it would be wise to first evaluate yourself before you conclude in your mind that they are simply projecting their personal insecurities onto your relationship. It's simply human nature to attempt to deflect responsibility off of your own shoulders and onto someone else's. It's an easy thing to do. But still...don't be that girl or that guy.

A relationship has two parties involved. Both parties should be considered. If you can't respect that then you shouldn't be there. Simply put. There is a big difference in your significant other exhibiting a personal insecurity in your relationship and them actually having every reason to hold a suspicion about something. If they are drawing conclusions and making assumptions with nothing to back it up or trivial/insignficant things to back it up....it's probably a personal insecurity...something they need to work out. But if you're giving them every reason in the world to suspect something and they express that concern -- don't be blind and inconsiderate & accuse them of just being insecure.

♥ Need an example? Your boyfriend calls you while you are in class, you don't answer. You come home from class with every intention of calling him back -- but whoops...you fall asleep. You get in contact with him later & he accuses you sneaking around. Since you didn't answer his phone call & failed to call him back as soon as he would have liked, then you MUST be sneaking around with another guy right? Right!? -__- No. Personal insecurity. Red flag.

Ok, but say ...same scenario. But instead, you don't fall asleep after class -- you decide to go to lunch with your ex-boyfriend, who you say is just a good friend of yours. (Oh and you make sure that you write about it on your Facebook status for the world to see. Maybe even write a couple of happy-go-lucky tweets about it/him). You don't call your boyfriend back or even think to shoot him a text during this time. As your boyfriend is driving home from class, he spots you and your ex-boo drive past him. Alright now. You clearly may NOT have been up to anything. But if your boyfriend was to come to you express his concern with THAT situation ...would you really say HE was just being insecure? I mean you could, if you're the inconsiderate type. That's fine. (Sarcasm). But seriously though, don't be silly. You may know the truth but clearly he does not. That's not an insecurity...you gave him a REASON to be slightly suspicious.

Don't give a reason for your significant other to be suspicious and they won't be. Be considerate of other people's feelings. If you're not the considerate type, you feel like you can do no wrong, if you're not mature enough to view situations from someone else's perspective -- then why are you in a relationship to begin with? Don't be so quick to cast blame when you can't even get YOURSELF together when need be. There are two people involved which means that there are two perspectives involved. Don't be so blind to think that yours is the only one that matters.

And another thing, just because you do not see something as an issue does not mean that issue is not real for the person that you claim to care about. Fix it. If you truly care about someone and how they feel then act like it. Don't play further into the issue simply because YOU don't see it as a problem. That is basically saying to them "I hear what you're saying. I see that this bothers you. But, I'll do what I want because quite frankly, this does not concern me. Get over it because I don't care."

Just a thought on this Sunday afternoon.

Good day.

♥♥♥

Romans 12 ♥

^1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

³I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

^4-6In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

^6-8If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

^9-10Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

^11-13Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

^14-16Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

^17-19Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

^20-21Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

Dear brokenhearted.

Please tend to your wounds and please treat your pain,

Before you try to hand your heart off to the next.

No one wants to patch up a damaged heart that they did not break,

& quite frankly it's not their responsibility to fix what the last one mishandled.
No one wants a broken heart,
Fragmented, torn & bruised
Pieces missing...
Because pieces of it still remain in the possession of the last.
Don't try to wrap your heart in gauze & band-aids in attempt to cover the wounds...
Don't try to mask the pain with painkillers...
& please, please don't use someone new as your drug...
As your distraction...
God forbid.
If you are not yet willing or able to leave your past in the past...
Then kindly I ask -- please don't pretend that you are...
Deal with the past before trying to establish a future...

Choose not to & time will only undress & reopen your wounds...
Save yourself double the heartache then...
& spare the next person the trouble...
By not only addressing the heartache now but DEALING with it...
The next person deserves all of you - nothing missing, nothing broken...
& more importantly you deserve to be whole.
Take the time you need to feel whole again.
No one else deserves to be a victim of your past.
& no one else wants your baggage.
I promise.

face-value

I'm all for looking for the best in people.
Optimism. Forgiveness.
Second chances. All that.
Any of you who have been following my blog over the past year or so know how I feel about focusing on the positive, whether it be in people or in particular situations. But sometimes, we've got to be wise enough to determine when enough is enough.

Repeatedly looking for the best in a person will eventually be more detrimental than advantageous. Sometimes you've just got to take things at face-value instead of trying to rationalize people's actions. If you find yourself constantly having to make an effort to find the best in a person, that should be a sign in itself. They're giving you what they have to offer, you can't always try to dig through it and find the good. If you've got to SEARCH, especially if it's a recurring trend, what you're looking for more than likely doesn't exist.

Accept that.

♥♥♥

'Crossing Paths' a short story by Krissy Smith ♥

As I walked down the steps

outside of my classroom building, December was quick to greet me with an unfriendly gust of wind -- violently rustling the few pages of notes that I carried in hand and blowing my hair every which-way. I shivered. The temperature was already near unbearable and the last thing it needed to be paired with was ice-cold wind causing it to feel much worse outside than it already was. Head down to avoid wind-induced watery eyes, I pulled my scarf tighter around my neck. Quickly, I folded up my notes and stuck them into the front pocket of my messenger bag before I slid my hands into the pockets of my coat. Why in the world did I leave the house this morning without my gloves?

The wind showed no signs of sparing me so I simply used it as an odd source of motivation. The harder the wind whipped, the more pep I put into my step as I walked speedily in the direction of my next class. I looked up briefly to see a mass of students congregated around the crosswalk, waiting to cross the busy intersection.

“Great.” I sighed as I grimaced at the digital orange hand on the light post for breaking my stride. Just my luck, that I would get stopped at the longest-holding light on campus on the coldest day of winter. I checked my phone. I had ten minutes to get to my next class, which by the way, was on the complete opposite side of campus. On the days when I’m not stopped at this intersection, I rarely ever make it to class on time. Which only meant that today, undoubtedly, I was going to be late. Very late.

I shifted my weight from leg-to-leg as I watched the cars zip through the intersection. Nervous habit. After glancing around at the people surrounding me, I noticed that I was the only person who looked to be in any kind of hurry. Curious, I then looked over to the congregation of students on the other side of the street, who also seemed quite patient while they waited. Hm, guess I'm the only one with a professor who is strict about tardies. Yeah, this is college but he doesn't treat us like it. Before I could look away from their calm faces, one in particular caught my eye. I couldn't look away -- not that I even had a desire to.

There he was. Cute as ever.
Bundled up in winter clothes – hat, peacoat & boots – shivering although his hands were deep inside his coat pockets.

There I was. Caught off guard.
My lips were curled inward – my weak attempt to hide the smile that was eager to spread across my face.

It had been a while since we crossed paths with each other. Months to be exact. Well, four months to be exact-exact...but who was keeping track? The familiar flutter of imaginary butterflies made my stomach quake with excitement and politely nudged my heart to wake from her slumber.

I kept telling myself to look away and wipe the silly smile off my face before he caught me looking so ridiculous. However, I was giddy just from getting a glimpse of the person who made my heart dance for such a significant time of my life…even if that glimpse did come from way across the street. Defiantly, my eyes remained locked on him. I couldn’t help it – I needed to catch his gaze. My grandma would always tell me that a person’s eyes were the gateway to their soul. And well, I was interested in what his eyes would tell me when they locked with mine.

Would a smile effortlessly spread across his face – reflecting his inner state of bliss that matched my own? Would his own set of imaginary butterflies flutter in his stomach when he gazed into my eyes for the first time in months? Four months. No closure. I needed to know. I was convinced that the answers I longed for would be answered if he would just look up and in my direction. Would his eyes say the same things to me that my own eyes were whispering to him? I wondered if his eyes would tell me that he missed my smile – that he missed having me around. Would they tell me that he too finds himself consumed with thoughts of us when he’s alone? Or that time has got him wondering how he ever could have left me. That…maybe he was insane, maybe just misguided – naïve.

Maybe his eyes would tell me that breaking up had to have been a mistake, because clearly months have gone by – and yet he can’t seem to pry my hands from his heart nor can he pry his from mine. Does he too endure sleepless nights -- laying, wishing that he could hold me in his arms as we drift into oblivion as we used to? Thoughts of us. Do they plague his mind like the plague my own? Maybe his eyes would tell me that although he had supposedly you’ve moved on – he couldn’t stop thinking of me. Because -- I too had moved on but no one quite compares to him. No other guy gets me like he does – makes me laugh, comforts me, encourages me, appreciates me – like he does. Maybe his eyes would tell me that he was feeling the same way. His eyes wouldn’t lie because the soul doesn’t lie. I just needed to catch his gaze, even if just briefly.

A quick gust of ice-cold winter wind shook me back into reality, paralyzing me for about five seconds. I had almost forgotten how cold it was until then. The traffic still zoomed between us. The orange digital hand still glared at me – taunting me. I still hadn’t broken my gaze from him and still, he hadn't looked up in my direction.

I desperately needed his eyes to softly whisper to me, “I love you” so that mine could sweetly answer back, “& I miss you.” Then the fire in our eyes would then dance simultaneously. Just as the red light ceased the oncoming traffic for our reunion - our rekindled flame would temporarily freeze time and all that didn’t matter would stand still as we gaze into each others’ eyes. Into each others’ souls. And maybe then, I could replace the false smile that I’ve been wearing with the real one he stole when he walked out with my happiness months ago. I just needed to catch his eyes.

I stared anxiously at the digital orange hand that was prohibiting us from reuniting. I was still shifting my weight from leg-to-leg. Partially because I had convinced myself that it was helping me to stay warm and partially because it helped me calm my nervous jitters. I was practically leaping with anxiety. Excitement. I couldn’t stop thinking about how our encounter was going to play out. Repeat. Repeat. A million thoughts were flying through my head and a million more butterflies were making my stomach feel queasy. The moment I had been desperate to encounter for the past couple of months was about to become tangible -- couldn't believe it.

Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

The brutal cold was the only thing stopping my legs from dancing to the sound of my own heartbeat at the moment. Instead, I anticipated dancing in my heart to the tango of our own intertwined heartbeats. That smile I’d been concealing spread rebelliously across my lips. Despite the cold, I was warm. Beaming.

Dang it, stupid orange digital hand. Hurry it up.

I couldn’t bare the anticipation much longer. I felt like screaming when I noticed the traffic beginning to slow. Yellow light.

Come on red light.

Ironically, the red light meant a green light for me. The traffic had come to a halt and yet the orange digital hand seemed to be lingering on the light post for longer than it usually would.

Ahh, how do I look?

I rubbed my lips together and was pleased that the cold hadn’t dried the caramel latte scented lip gloss off of my lips. Then quickly, I smoothed my hair which the wind had undoubtedly left looking disheveled. As soon as straightened out my coat and put my hands back into my pockets, the orange digital hand was replaced with a white digital man telling me that I was now free from the orange hand’s digital prison.

And without even thinking, my feet began to move as though they had a mind of their own --practically racing to meet him in the intersection. My eyes were locked on him despite the mass of people who were crossing the intersection in both directions, slightly blocking my view. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest with each step that I took. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I was freaking out. Hands still in my pockets became clammy, fluttering butterflies in my stomach morphed into stinging wasps. I couldn’t contain myself much longer. There he was. Oh my gosh. I repeated in my head. He was still looking down at the ground as he walked towards me.

“Look up!” I scream at him in my head. He got closer, head still down.

“UGH! Oh my gosh, look up!” I demanded. Five feet away from me, he finally looked up – and just like that, our eyes met.

Smile plastered on my face, I practically handed my heart back into his hands. I was so excited to see him and any bystander could tell by the enthusiasm radiating through every inch of me. I glared into his eyes to see if he too was handing me his heart once more. To see if he was inviting me back in to his life with open arms and a warm smile on this unbearably cold Thursday morning. A warm invitation for a cold, fractured heart.

He did not. Instead, he may as well have smacked my already-fragile heart out of my hands, causing it to tumble onto the cold pavement to be trampled underneath the feet of the stampede that was speedily crossing through the intersection. The bright smile on my face and the hope in my eyes were doused as I was greeted by his dull, lifeless eyes which looked away from me quickly and effortlessly – no acknowledgement of my presence, let alone any sign of reciprocated feelings. He looked completely through me as though I was nothing more than a mere stranger to him.

As though I was nothing to him. Period.
His eyes were lifeless. Dead.
So were we. It was over.

How could you be so stupid? It's been over. I scolded myself. So, so stupid. The cold seemed to freeze my world in that moment. Repeat. Repeat. I couldn’t get the comatose look in his eyes to stop replaying in my head. Unbearable. I blamed the watering of my eyes on the bitter cold gusts of wind irritating my sensitive eyes – but it was much deeper than that. These tears were the product of rejection. Failed love. Undeniable heartbreak.

“Don’t you dare cry. You better not cry.” Reprimanding myself seemed to be the only thing I could do to stop the tears from falling like they desired. Despite my hearts’ protests, I needed to move on. No more hoping & thinking. Wishing & praying. As much as I hated it, I needed this. I asked for closure and I got it.

As we took each other’s places on the opposite sides of the intersection, I looked over my shoulder in hopes of catching one last glimpse of him before he re-entered my past – for good this time. Anxiously, I scanned the crowd in attempt to find him in the mass of college students, all dressed similarly. Not an easy task. That’s not him, nope that’s not him. Uh…nope. Definitely not him.

As soon as I decide to give up on spotting him, two eyes met with mine through the crowd. Effortless connection. Just as I was turning back around, he too turned -- glancing back over his shoulder at me. The two of us met eyes briefly. Just briefly. This time, my lifeless, watering eyes locked in with his resentful and troubled eyes and time, in our worlds, froze momentarily.

Softly, his eyes simply whispered to me, “I’m sorry,” before he turned and disappeared into the crowd. I restrained my tongue for screaming out, “WAIT!” and restricted my legs from changing directions and running to meet him before he disappeared on me once again. That was it? I needed more. I needed an explanation. I needed him. He was sorry. Sorry for what exactly? I hadn't noticed that my legs had stopped moving altogether. Feet glued in place, my eyes were still fixated on the intersection which we had just crossed. He was gone...but he was sorry. Sorry. For leaving me four months ago? For pretending that I meant nothing to him just now? For...?

The wind stung my face as it chilled the lone tear that slide down my left cheek. I wiped it away quickly. I checked my phone. 11:01. I was officially late for class. Didn’t care.

Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

I replayed it all in my head. The look in his eyes was forever etched in my memory.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat...

I continued to hold back the tears as I walked slowly, taking the longest way possible to my class.
Grandma always told me that the eyes were the gateway to the soul.
The eyes do not lie because the soul does not lie.
If only I knew what his was telling me...